Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
