He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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