Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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