Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
