Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
