I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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