Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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