Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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