found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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