i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
