Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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