1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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