My liver just broke up with me...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
