Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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