So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
