i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
