walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
