Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just want nice things and good sex
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
