I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
