Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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