Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
