Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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