Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
