So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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