I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Shame - the story of my life.
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