I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
