All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
