Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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