Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
false alarm, still single
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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