I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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