Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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