I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
