i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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