somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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