so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
