if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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