don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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