We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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