his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
