i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize