I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
