I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I pour the whiskey from now on
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
