i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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