No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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