i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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