i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
