she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
