It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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