it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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