When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
