wanna go halves on a baby?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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