I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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