I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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