I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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