wrigley field is MILF paradise
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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