if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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