I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
