If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
