guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
