I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
