Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
