Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
