so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize