Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Vodka?
Forever.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
