ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
