Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
