Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
